@TheRealRHB: So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife's idea will get you a free ride in his cop car
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@rachel2manypaws: In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
@PhilJamesson: Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password? Me: oh shi-- [Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
@inanimatecorpse: Wife: I said any fantasy, I wore the police uniform! Isn't that enough? Me: Say the words Wife: Ok... sir, I have bad news about your wife
@TheCatWhisprer: My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.