So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car
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My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?
It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online
[walking into museum]
i must read each and every description, really soak up the history
*after 20 minutes*
can i sit on this or is it art?
My brain at 6am: I’m tired.
My brain at 9am: I’m tired.
My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
cutie flirting w/ me: “Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh?” 😉
me, trying to be helpful: “An average male polar bear weighs up to 1,500lbs!”
cutie: “…’enough to break the ice’?”
me: “Haha I hope not, but climate change is having disastrous effects on their habitat!”
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away
That’s motherhood summed up for you
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
WHY would you be happy about this?