So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car
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me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.
Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…
…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.
I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*
Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.
Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”
“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“What’s the problem?”
“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”
“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”
“Again.”
“Dammit.”
one of
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.