We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us
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Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
When he asks for feet pics
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
I bought a middle-aged Barbie. She was supposed to come with glasses, but she set them down somewhere and hasn’t seen them since.
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.
Who says great literature is dead?
DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT
I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.
I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave
Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.