@KevinFarzad: So when a couple gets engaged on Facebook for April Fools it's okay to comment "hahaha" but the rest of the year it's rude??
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@INDlAN_: [describing robbers to sketch artist] Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
@awkwardphilippe: [home depot] employee[yelling]: YOU CAN'T DO THAT IN HERE me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
@LindaInDisguise: The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
@EndhooS: Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water Me: Oh god... Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now? Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN'T SWIM