Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.
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thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
Friend: Whatcha up to?
Me: Just chewing my toenails.
Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.
Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.
ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”
My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”
*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
Walking the dog when we pass a mom and kid taking pics. Naturally my dog stops and poses & wont move. I tug. She stays. They laugh. Finally I say “I’m sorry, you have your phones out so she thinks you want a pic of her”. They pretend to snap a pic. Dog immediately walks on🤣🙄😭
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.