So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
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[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now
My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.
[funeral]
Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?
*sliding it off his finger*
Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey
Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*
Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
Watermelon Boss!
In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
God, I love Scotland
If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
What an awful time to have common sense.