So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
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Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished
My dog barks for 2 reasons:
1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.
Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people
[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]
maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.