@LuckoftheDraw86: So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
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@KalvinMacleod: I've got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
@errdayhustlah: Whenever people say "don't judge me" I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear. *whispers* Judged you.
@ComedicBust: [hiding in a pantry during a robbery] Wife: [terrified and crying] Me: [eating fat free Cheez-Its] I seriously can't taste the difference.