Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
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I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
[I die and appear in a mysterious place]
me: woah, is this heaven or hell?
guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine
me: must be heaven!
guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique
me: aw hell
*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.
Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque
Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education
Me: I’m a teacher
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’
‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-
*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*
-was jumping in.’
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.
Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.
My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.
Me:
“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful
[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
My love language is deader than Latin
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.