So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
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TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.
i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
sry
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
Excerpt of my Google searches today:
7:07am Did the curve flatten yet
7:54am Did the curve flatten yet
8:12am Did the curve flatten yet
8:14am Did the curve flatten yet
9:33am Did the curve flatten yet
9:48am Cheddar Bay biscuits delivery
9:49am Did the curve flatten yet
I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing
Software Development ⛵️
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.
RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”