Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
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“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.
I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”
my date last night:
– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his exdating is fun, you guys
#katesdates
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
I learned 2 things today:
My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck
That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck
So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
Don’t frighten the programmers!
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin
[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–
[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…
[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.