So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ
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Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan
Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
(Electricians.)
[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}
Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
“so i had the dream again last night,”
priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin
When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies