So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
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I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!
(Sigh)
I just don’t know what to keep it in….
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong
Car sputters as it runs out of gas
Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?
Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check
WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas
ME: k
[Christmas morning]
WIFE: um
PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*
ME: you should open that one first
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?
[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant