So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”
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Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
You’re the water to my grease fire.
As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.
Me: Just one more hit. I need it.
Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.
Me: *hits snooze button*
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.
*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.