“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
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i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:
“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
Stop it! 😂
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor
The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.
Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-
The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.
[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.