So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
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Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!
Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’
Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.
Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.
Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?
My dog after a walk in the woods.
my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
…żyje?
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.