So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
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*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.
Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.
i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?
Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?
RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much