So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
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Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
*looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?
Me: *buys a blue chair online*
Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want
her: i’ll have the lobster
waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
[first BDSM session]
Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?
Me: fwerd
Dom: No! SAFEWORD
Me: *flinching* FWERD
Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.
Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?
Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*
Nick Fury: Holy shit!
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded