So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
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KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok
I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
me: our first night as man and wife
bride: you know what that means 😉
me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this
bride: what
me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel
spouse: why
me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage
I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.
Ooops wrong house😂😜
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
me: want to read more harry potter?
7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore
me: dumbledore
7: right, dumpledore
me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her
BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: But-
Wife: Everyone.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.
They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
*crashes vehicle*
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
*dies smiling*
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:
1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
how was your vacation