So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
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That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer
teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*
me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}
Old Lady: Your son is adorable
4 yr. old: *running down aisles*
Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.
*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
[1st date]
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
Dammit
If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.