probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
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The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.
Me: There’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.
*puts a spider in the soup*
Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”
Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.
Him: You know why.
Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.
– Dogs
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff
I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.
friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby