Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
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My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 11am]: ok enjoy
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL
ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
If you honk your horn .2 seconds after the stoplight turns green, I can promise I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life adjusting my seat and my mirrors before driving off.
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?
PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
[three days after inventing phone]
*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*
Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs
WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES
Finished stitching this today 😇
Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.