“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
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No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
Doctor: You have emphysema
Batman: How?
Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations
Batman:
Doctor:
Batman: *throws smoke bomb*
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
At least he brought enough for everyone
i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
Me: What’s your name please?
Customer: Hal
Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?
Customer: Harold
Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah
Boss: Could you ever just don’t?
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?
Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Her: No!
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.