So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.
I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.
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How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time
1.
Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha
Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.
They’re millennial falcons.
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here
I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.
Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey
Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*
INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.