So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.
I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.
You Might Also Like
Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?
and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE
Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question