So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
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The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?
Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?
Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.
Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.
Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
White Castle for the Win
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric