So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
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The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.10 minutes later:
Me: So… I snore??
uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.
SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?
ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?
SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.
ME: *nervously* Oh
*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
Me: Hi. Can I help you?
Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand
Me: Great. Where is it?
Him: What?
Me: The nightstand.
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
*at confessional
Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’
Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
I have written yet another poem about laundry
A work from home email:
Dear mom,
Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.
Best,
Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations
Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.
Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.
Me (answers phone): HELL-o
Mom: Hi, honey. Your Dad is trying to change the time on the VCR you bought us in 83
Me: Please leave a message
I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.
Nearly put me off my sandwich.
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that