Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
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I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
Me: I’m sitting down to read and have my coffee. Don’t come in here unless it’s an emergency. I want 15 minutes.
[12 seconds later]
“MOOOMMMM! HE’S BUILDING A FORCE FIELD AROUND ME”
*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
john wicks are toilet candles
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
I took the kids to an orchard in the country today, where we crossed paths with a friendly and very handsome man who was fixing the wiring in one of the gazebos. Now I’m worried we stumbled into a Hallmark movie by mistake.
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy
You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk