“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*
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When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere
When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.
*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: why
Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued
Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
*in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*
me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these
BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.