“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*
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COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
reviewed some movies recently
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
fireman: where is fire
me: in my heart, i love y-
fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Accountant: what
Willy Wonka: what
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”