“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
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Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose.
When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.
a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
This took me a second..
Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW
anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
Hamburger Hinderer.
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito