“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
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what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.
*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee
I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
[first day as producer]
superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME
me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist
Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.
[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 🙁
I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :
Hugh Janus
And now i can’t stop laughing
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.