So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
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Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
The photographer’s assistant
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY
me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
Feel. He’s so soft.
as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
Jesus: No one pours old wine into new wineskins…
Home DIY YouTuber: SURE YA CAN, HERE’S HOW TO DO IT RIGHT AT HOME IN FIVE EASY STEPS! ALSO, DON’T FORGET TO SMASH THAT LIKE BUTTON AND BE SURE TO SUBSCR
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
not for long
THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]
mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes