“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
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My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect
me, too, girl. me, too.
I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo
Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no
Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.
Me: He was stressed
Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk
Me: I was stressed
Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”
Me: Could be anyone…
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”
[police chasing man on foot]
Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!
Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.
Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?
I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.