*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
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no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
How it started: How it’s going:
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/
Where is your GOD now????
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for everSaying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
[Me as a babysitter]
ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out
HER: My son is Robert
ME: We have 2 problems
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!
me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)
wife: what are you doing?
brain: lie.
me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.