Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
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I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snackSnacks are ALWAYS the answer
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
[One hour past bedtime]
[3 year-old yelling from his bed]: PAPA!
Me: YES?
3: [Points to chair] Sit with me.
Me: I would LOVE to but the monster, that eats kids who don’t sleep, hates that chair being warm.
3:
Me [Finger guns] Goodnight kiddo.
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.