“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
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Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: oh that’s a brilliant question
Interviewer: But what’s the answer?
Me: Sarcasm
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
Greatest Fears:
-Sharks
-Ebola
-Bears
-Bear Sharks
-Bear Sharks with Ebola
-Sharks with Lazers
-Man carrying a clipboard on the sidewalks
I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.
One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?
Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board
Me: I have a PhD in mathematics
Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack
Me: *nodding* that makes two
[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.
my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
[summoning my first demon]
ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.
MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”