So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
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Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”
I need this for my side hustle.
[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
43 Hacks That Will Help You Cut Down a Christmas Tree
ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
“What an awesome body-”
Oh… thanks. I work out-
“- of research.”
– formulas. I work out formulas. *sips tea* I do a lot of math.
Nose
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral
ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
Her: I love cats
Me: [trying to impress her] me too
Her: what’s your favourite kind
Me: [panicking] uh…doja
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?
ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.