So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
You Might Also Like
A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?
Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.
Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.
P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.
Me: Is that a beret?
P: Oui.
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?
When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again
*getting the broom*
Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.
[How the rap feud started]
Me: can u invite all the rappers to my b’day party?
2pac: sure, no biggie
Biggie[eavesdropping]: [wipes tears]
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERSEmergency training complete
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
Friend: OMG! What happened to your hands?!
Me, thinking about how I burned them pulling a naan apart: oh I was grilling a steak and the flames were out of control.