OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?
Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.
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*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?
“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?Whatever it is, I’m that
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
same energy
What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!
Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts
Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵