“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
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“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]
Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!
Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
Our lord and savoury.
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together
A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]
so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain
The audacity of my brain to just forget the one thing I told it to remember. What do you mean you don’t remember!? I looked right at you in the mirror and told you that you better remember this! Anyway, I don’t know why I’m at Costco.
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.
Names the boat Hell Sinky.
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness
The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.