“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
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My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.
my sentiments exactly
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8am: breakfast
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
6:30pm: dinner
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
New Tinder profile.
So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating
But I still bite the inside of my mouth
Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.