So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
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Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard
Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.
I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!
Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.