Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
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Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.
*pee
An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep
Doctor: that’s quite normal
Old lady: and then a bird
Doctor: what
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
*wrapping up business meeting with Kellogg’s*
Kellogg’s Exec: Great work. You’ve given us so many new ideas for cereals. We’ll totally pay you for this.
Me: No you won’t. I know all your…Trix.
Kellogg’s Exec: That’s General Mills.
Me: Leave the military out of this.
We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:
1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.
My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.