My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
You Might Also Like
2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
What
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.
As spooky season approaches, my very interested toddler has been asking “WHAT HIM NAME?” when we see a skeleton or other ghoulish figure on someone’s lawn, and since “I don’t know” is unacceptable to people who are almost 3, I have been spitballing names of people I don’t like.
Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?
Me: no honey.
Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.
Me: yes but he has legs.
Daughter: Ariel has legs too.
[later]
Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?
Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.
[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
Lmao I love the recipe blogger parents who are like “I’m just like you! I hardly
Have time on weeknights! Here is a little ditty I make when we are SUPER busy running between activities” and it starts out “first, spatchcock a whole chicken.”
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, “ma’am, it’s 100 degrees out here, and you don’t have a proper refrigeration system in place, so we’re gonna have to shut you down”
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof