You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
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If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.
When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
this is funnier than any friends episode
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse
Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
A fella staggers exhausted into his house.
“What’s wrong with you?” asks his wife.
“I thought I’d save my $3 bus fare by running behind the bus” gasps the man.
“You idiot” says his wife.
“If you’d run home behind a taxi you could’ve saved $25”
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other