sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
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Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…
Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.
me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?
techician: sure..I’ll take a look
[later, ]
technician: it’s not too bad..
me: thank god..what is it?
technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders
me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?
Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
Dispatcher: 911. What’s your emergency?
Me: Help! I’m being held hostage in a downtown office building!
D: By who?
Me: This really angry man! 1460 Maple Avenue. Please hurry! He’s making me DO THINGS!
D: OK. Please stay on the line.
Me: I can’t. My coffee break’s almost over!
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
Isn’t
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress
Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
my professor scared me for a second
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”