Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
You Might Also Like
[Interview]
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
bad news gang
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
[jumps in Uber]
ME: HURRY I’M LATE
UBER: [starts driving]
ME: PULL OVER HERE
[jumps out, pets dog]
ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”
Me: “It’s a secret.”
Job interviewer: “You got the job.”
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.
[Buzzfeed for Cats]
6 THINGS THAT WILL MAKE U BOLT FROM THE ROOM
-Vacuum cleaner
-Walls
-The floor
-Air
-Yourself
-Nothing. Nothing at all
Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
Romance is weird. My wife said she wanted fantasy play but got angry when I handed her the wizard beard & 20 sided dice
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”