Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
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Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
*goes to hell
Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
I’ve been drinking.
If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
*puts nose where it doesn’t belong
*is caught with hand in cookie jar
*loses head
*makes elbow macaroni
*gets fired by funeral home
Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.#topahole
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
What number SPF blocks people?
I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.