Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
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How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?
TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?
RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.
Sloths: bro
Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
this country is so goddamn polarized
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
ME: I’m taking it back.
WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?
I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.
Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground