Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME
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The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?
Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week
“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”
“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”
“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*
Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.
Me: Where did your husband go to law school?
Client: He didn’t.
Me: So you should probably just do what he says.
Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.
If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
BRITISH PERSON: cheerio
AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger