I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
You Might Also Like
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.
There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.
There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇
SNAIL: I’m a turtle?
GOD: No, you’re a snail
SNAIL: I have a shell
GOD: Yup
SNAIL: and I move really slowly
GOD: Yeah, all the time
SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?
GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.